9:04 p.m. - 2008-03-06
december is darkest, in june there is light
I have to say that the intuitive nature of me or my itunes is astounding. I came on here to talk about this dam of tears in my chest and all I could think as this page was loading was that I feel sort of lost... and at the same moment Calendar Girl played first on shuffle in itunes "If I am lost for a day try to find me"
The thing is I know that this time I really am only lost for a day at a time. I'm not lost like before. I'm winter lost. March lost. Tired of sweaters and winter boots and 9 - 5 lost.
Which should by all means mean that I am in reality ... found.
I am finding myself in the things I don't like, it is a blessing in so many disguises.
For the first time in months I am getting what I want, right?? What I want cloaked in mirrors, prisms, shining crystals on the wall...
I got caught up in falling in love again, but just for a minute, and while starting to rehearse Bittergirl and finding all the humor in breaking up... finding the humor in what I just felt, I found the sadness in it last night, and in all of the making up and laughter I had forgotten the poignancy of what it is we are really trying to say, what we all are struggling with.
I don't think of me and Ryan being back together in the terms I did before, like it is not necessarily a life long commitment, it is not necessarily temporary either. It just is what it is... and in the broadest of terms I am a single 20 something. By broadest I mean, I am not married and I am not "tied down" and while this is us and we are trying, in trying for it to be different I am thinking in so many terms of I, instead of we...
I didn't realize I was living such a single life, because he was still always in it, until I realized that I am having a hard time dealing with having a boyfriend again. And yet I fall into the role of girlfriend so easily that it is hard to understand how I could struggle with one and not the other...
I would like to think that this is not in vain and I am doing this for the right reasons...
There is another choice that could have been made.
But when explaining why I didn't make it in my head to the imaginary questions that haven't yet been asked by close friends... I keep saying:
"I'm just being realistic."
Is love realistic?
and should we live our life being... realistic???
When did I stop believing that life could really feel like a perfect soundtrack overlapping tricks of the camera lens and light.
"Calendar Girl who's in love with the world, stay alive..."
silent - 2009-02-22
december is darkest, in june there is light - 2008-03-06
"I didn't stand a chance, I didn't stand at all" - 2008-02-13
Night Windows - 2007-11-20
arms that can hold me? - 2007-11-19
